I lead a strange and interesting life, that’s to be certain. I’ve found the most frustrating thing about it recently is living my life on different levels.

1. I have a personal life, which at one point, I felt as though I was the only one who could see it. I then realized that it was valuable to be able to trust people with that aspect of my life from time to time. 

2. I have a life which others perceive. While I have little control how others see me, I still attempt to manage the way others see me as much as I possibly can. There are circumstances where this is not the case; typically dependent on how well I know the people around me. I’ll throw some inhibitions out the window if I’m completely comfortable.

Now, it’s the first two that I don’t mind. It’s the first two that I have dealt with for most of my life. That’s not to say I haven’t struggled, but I think many of the difficult parts I found have found a recurrence in this third part of my life. I can’t say I hate it, if I did I’d abandon it, I’ve just found it complicated recently. And that is: 

3. I have an online life. Yes, including this. When I speak of this, though, I’m mainly talking about the ‘online status’ part of my life. I’m hyper-sensitive to how I portray myself online. I don’t lie online, but I do choose to omit some private parts of my life. For many they’ll edit out their typical social interactions. I haven’t ever done that, not really. What I’m talking about is the general status messages about how I’m doing. At one point, I had horrible food poisoning, and made it sound quite mild saying on twitter that my stomach was upset. I think this a good indication, at least in that physical way, what I mean. 

Inherently, I don’t have a problem with omitting things. I don’t think it’s necessary for all of my ‘friends’ on Facebook, or those who follow me on Twitter to know how I’m doing all of the time, they don’t need to know if I’m having one hell of a crappy week, but I think it’s important for friends to know. Those whom I love, they want to know. I want to know when my friends are lousy, if only to support them. But what happens when the main way I stay in touch with friends to keep up on how their doing is syphoned through these methods? Some friendships warrant it, others don’t, that I understand. But those that do? What happens? They don’t get the dirt. They see my life through a filter. A filter put in place by some, but not for all. 

For me, this has become one of the most important reasons to push interpersonal interaction outside of the new technology that we see. Maybe it’s completely selfish because I’m not willing to announce to the world when I’m not doing well, but I would like those who are closest to me… I’d like them to know, at least from time to time that things just plain suck.

Tomorrow is election day, it’s voting day. The majority of the attention of the past two years has finally come to a culmination – I’m so relieved. Yes, I care deeply about who our next president might be. But more than that I care that people vote. I know that that might sound a bit cliché. I actually don’t care if you don’t vote for or against anyone or anything on the ballot. Just that you go, and sign the register. I mean, if you don’t know anything, then don’t vote on it, but at least GO. What it comes down to is that especially for certain demographics, as in the 18-30 year-old demographic, it’s imperative. We don’t have a voice unless we vote. Right now, our grandparents have a voice, but we don’t. That’s not to say that dear-old grandma and grandpa don’t deserve to be taken care of, of course they do. But as we see, and as we have seen, we are truly the future. If we want to have the resources to take care of our parents and their parents, then we need to make sure that we have say in the way government is run.

It’s not the president, unfortunately, and really it’s not even so much who we elect, but more so that we played a large part in electing them. You see, we’re the ones that they’re then trying to please. I hate politicians, all of them, but apparently, they’re not changing any time soon, so it’s important that we play into their game as much as possible. That means that we become their constituency by voting them into office. If we have a large turnout, then they listen. It doesn’t matter if we voted for or against them or not. They have no idea who voted for them, well, aside from exit polls, they just have an idea of who voted. 

I know it’s complicated and unlikely that it could happen that way, but that’s the best solution. Vote, but abstain from the things you don’t inform yourself about. And really, with the resources that we have these days, there’s no excuse for being uninformed. I just spent the last two hours – MAX – looking at the variety of ballot initiatives and amendments and candidates from my State Senator to my Regional Transportation Director – and now have a good idea of how I want to vote.

I truly don’t care how anyone votes, just that they do, and that when they cast a vote, that it’s for (or against) someone or something that they know about. 

Rant done, at least for the next two years(ish).

Those that know me, know that I love my job. There’s a lot to love, but when it comes right down to it for me it’s about being part of something bigger. It’s what most people want. That’s why the mob mentality works so well, it’s where people derive hope, it’s why people find a group of friends, it’s how people get into cliques. Motives vary, but in most ways that people become a part of something — they are exactly that, a part of something that is bigger because there are other people who take part. They are a part of the whole. We know, as a people, that power can come behind numbers, the more people, the more efficacy something will likely have (that paired with successful leadership).  

What makes my job so great, and the days that are truly great are the days that I realize that not only am I a part. I am not simply that, I am making something bigger. I am shaping something bigger. That something bigger, is me. It’s us, it’s what we do. I’m not jumping on any bandwagon. I’m not a part of a style or a trend. I am a designer, but more importantly I am a contributor in the studio. And what makes me realize that it’s something bigger than me, are those with whom I work. We get along well, very well, in fact. Outside of work, it’s unlikely I would have ever spent much time with them. Inside of work, we mesh, and when we go outside of work – we mesh. I bring my own ethos into the studio. A set of values that I hold dear, and that is one large part of the studio. I’m fortunate that my ethos jives well with that of the studio, but sometimes I think that’s because my ethos is the studio’s ethos, at least in part. It’s my set of values, my bosses ethos, and that of my coworkers. It just so happens that what we believe is right, and important, becomes the soul of the studio. 

Think of it as a mission statement that aligns with the heart of every employee, when we are in our best selves. Even if that changes, so does the present and the future of the studio. It’s magical. It keeps my life vibrant on the deepest level. I couldn’t be more grateful to have a position where I do, doing what I do, and working to be better every day.

Fall is one of those seasons that sneaks up on you. I know it almost seems like all of them do, all in their own way. But I always forget about fall, I always forget how lovely a season it is. I always expect spring to be a respite from the cold. I expect the first snow to fall and then melt away. I expect the long, hot days of summer. But it’s always fall that I forget. I always forget about wearing my big down vest from the 70s, and double-layering a long sleeved tee with a short sleeved shirt and going out and being just a little bit chilly. I always forget about how you get to wear a scarf without a jacket. The light breezes and the leaves changing. It’s the pleasant forgetfulness that I love so much. It’s like a brilliant and fun memory that someone reminds you of, and you remember it like the day you first experienced it. You remember that feeling. Fall reminds me of playing in the leaves. It reminds me of going to soccer practices and having it just cool enough to not be overheating after an intense drill. It reminds me of sitting on the sidelines to sports games. 

I’m not exactly sure if it’s summer that distracts me. Or if, in the past, it was the beginning of school, or the idea of work, that would keep my mind off of how much I loved it. And being forced, or finding a way to be outside – that’s the biggest gift of all.

I’ve been living in uncertainty for some time now. I’m not sure of the future, really pretty much ever. In fact, I have a problem with being sure of the future (okay, seriously, who doesn’t?). When I settled a bit more into my job at the studio, I realized I was that the timeframe was in years… no longer the months plan. I had this six-month time frame going for me at any given time. I didn’t know where I would be. Would I be moving to another country? What would my job be? The general process in me is now wondering if it’s the current state of sameness that I now find so uncertain. I have a very stable job. I have a solid friend base. I meet new people on a consistent basis. I work towards self-improvement when the opportunity arises. And, looking back, a year ago, I figured I’d be pretty close to where I am. 

Since I left the care of my parents, this is the longest I’ve lived in one place (while the position of my bed has changed two or three times… I’m in the same room.) Am I experiencing a form of ADHD, only in my life? Is that change like a drug… I just can’t get enough? 

I’ve been writhing at the idea that I don’t know precisely where I stand financially into the next year. But that’s normal, too. Maybe I’m dwelling on that, simply because it’s the one small piece of unstable ground I can be comfortable with. 

Oh gosh, this might be a very disturbing revelation. (Maybe) I’m not living in uncertainty at all. I could be (pretty) certain about a lot of things. I infuse my language with being (fairly) sure about something. Or I “might”. Language is a last ditch effort of injecting uncertainty into my life here. 

Does the challenge now come from finding a way to grow from this state of certainty. This stability I feared so much? Does this give me time to think through it all? 

Well thank you, these questions have been helpful, and now it’s time for me to figure out how to live in this – or get out.

(when I added the parenthetical statements… I didn’t add those terms. It’s the way I write. Oh gray area, how I love thee, but do I have to be friends with the black and white?)