I’ve been living in uncertainty for some time now. I’m not sure of the future, really pretty much ever. In fact, I have a problem with being sure of the future (okay, seriously, who doesn’t?). When I settled a bit more into my job at the studio, I realized I was that the timeframe was in years… no longer the months plan. I had this six-month time frame going for me at any given time. I didn’t know where I would be. Would I be moving to another country? What would my job be? The general process in me is now wondering if it’s the current state of sameness that I now find so uncertain. I have a very stable job. I have a solid friend base. I meet new people on a consistent basis. I work towards self-improvement when the opportunity arises. And, looking back, a year ago, I figured I’d be pretty close to where I am. 

Since I left the care of my parents, this is the longest I’ve lived in one place (while the position of my bed has changed two or three times… I’m in the same room.) Am I experiencing a form of ADHD, only in my life? Is that change like a drug… I just can’t get enough? 

I’ve been writhing at the idea that I don’t know precisely where I stand financially into the next year. But that’s normal, too. Maybe I’m dwelling on that, simply because it’s the one small piece of unstable ground I can be comfortable with. 

Oh gosh, this might be a very disturbing revelation. (Maybe) I’m not living in uncertainty at all. I could be (pretty) certain about a lot of things. I infuse my language with being (fairly) sure about something. Or I “might”. Language is a last ditch effort of injecting uncertainty into my life here. 

Does the challenge now come from finding a way to grow from this state of certainty. This stability I feared so much? Does this give me time to think through it all? 

Well thank you, these questions have been helpful, and now it’s time for me to figure out how to live in this – or get out.

(when I added the parenthetical statements… I didn’t add those terms. It’s the way I write. Oh gray area, how I love thee, but do I have to be friends with the black and white?)